Medication.
And what of it?
It's never worked for me. My mother swears by the fluoxetine that she is taking, but at 15 it never did much for me save for distracting my common sense so much that crossing the road would make me a liability and destroying my appetite. Also, given that it's used to treat eating disorders..
And from then on every medication I've been on has been a huge war against my mind and my body. Through the process my body usually becomes starved of food as a medicated OCD is dragged out from somewhere inside, in a bid to regain control on my life that seems to be spiralling out of. My mind isn't my own, my thoughts have been sedated and my moods range from severe apathy to extreme frustration as loved ones watch me sink deeper into depression; Being woken up at 4 in the morning to find your girlfriend sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor after cutting off all her hair she had been growing for years for no justifiable reason surely isn't on the list of 'super-fun things to do!!'.
Neither was the medicated period of time on mirtazapine that I craved sugar exclusively and would only eat donuts, perpetually spiralling between high to crashed out. It made for some interesting walks at midnight (my favourite walking time) looking for 24 hour places which sold donuts to satiate my craving; or abject despair and anger if they didn't which was obviously less desirable.
Despite this I still try medication. Mainly as a last resort, or because a loved one who doesn't quite understand what medication does to me. Maybe it's love but I suspect a lot of it is my vitriolic nature to prove someone wrong. Where's the compassion in that?
So in a bid to lead a more compassionate lifestyle I had decided enough was enough and that a real solution had to be sort out. The A-Z dictionary of anti-depressants I was inadvertently creating was not going to cut it. My moods needed to be curbed, without compromising my enthusiasm of course.
Which takes me back to before I digressed; my OCD as a means of controlling my life. Manifested during my medicated phases, now latched on to a part of my sober self. I have learnt a lot from medication, all of it bad but the experiences and retrospective knowledge insightful. Portion control due, to my new acquaintance OCD, with cooking has meant a lot of time perfecting and re-perfecting dishes. Although not necessary, I love to cut and chop things into neat shapes and arrange them by colour or texture. A sense of order and sanity can flow through me as I'm baking in the kitchen systematically making and cleaning. Do not disturb me, simply observe.
Listening to the world around me and the people in it has opened doors to considering my dietary choices.; becoming vegetarian because meat sucks ass, becoming vegan because being vegetarian wasn't enough, trialling out gluten free due to having a darling boyfriend at the time with suspected wheat/gluten intolerance and trying to find healthy ways to help him break the funk. Although a gluten free diet is not something that is necessary for me to follow, I have found that when I took on a predominantly raw diet, I avoid a lot of processed junk including wheat/gluten heavy foods. I have become sympathetic towards specific eating needs and open to the idea that what we eat forms the rock for our health. Just drinking enough water, a simple task some people can't manage for unrealistic reasons (the utterance 'I don't like water' makes me inwardly scream) instantly gives the body's immune system a fighting start.
We truly are what we eat. Sometimes it's hard to break out of the cycles and psychological food patterns and needs we've grown up with. But it's totally possible and can be done. It's not only important for ourselves, but also for children to start healthy eating and food associations at a young age and no, it doesn't always have to be boring or restrictive. Guide them, for they are too young to know what's good for them. If they don't know McDonalds they won't have a hard time disassociating it; they wouldn't have to. Give them that fighting start.
But that's easier said than done and I digress.
So I'll finish this for now. This has been an often difficult journey but the rewards now and rewards still to come have been liberating. Sometimes it's not enough to fight the days where I'm on the verge...as ultimately not everything is down to food.
But it's the healthiest foundation for my overall health.
